How long can I be strong?

It feels so strange that the pain that usually follows a broken heart isn't what I am experiencing this time. It's a calmness that is almost unnerving. I'm not even sure there will be a storm to follow. I have buried my heart as far down as it would go. I have nothing left in me. At 1 time, I thought my well of love overflowed or was neverending, but now..... I don't think I believe any longer. I think I have lost myself and I'm not even sure if I care anymore. As determined as the world is to break us, I haven't given up yet, but this burden only grows heavier daily.
While there is no pain, I have no appetite or desire to sleep. I have given too much of myself into loving others, I forgot to love me while everyone I surround myself with seems to have a similar loss of memory. Looking back and realizing how superficial most relationships I had given my kind of love to were, it only opens my eyes to my own hypocracy... as I will do anything for anyone, and I continue to sacrifice and hurt myself yet I expect for someone to eventually take that roll in my life when I refuse to take care of me.... that's very selfish. I have secured my loneliness and solitude with the decisions I have made thus far.
Wishing someone would know me from the inside out and won't give up on me is only that.... wishing. I'm not sure how I haven't yet given up on myself...

Waiting

For the day they gather in a carefully chosen hall with tears in their eyes and smiles across their faces that finally, someone has decided he'd rather to never spend another day apart from me.
For the day the sky is lit by candles and moon and the trees surrounding my loved ones twinkle in the night sky as they illuminate the last walk from my single life into the arms of the man I shall now share it with.
For the soundtrack carrying the melody to my soul as his face brightens to see me remove my guard.
For the colors black and gold for he is turning my darkened heart to a brightness I was remiss to believe in.

For the day a man chooses to protect my heart from external and internal pain I have endured until he arrived.
For the man I would give my life for and in God's name, devote my life to.
For the day that no other forces could disrupt the magnetism of our affection. For when I see him and he me, our existence only parallels a secluded universe of only our own.
For the day I can say, "I do": miss you when you're away for longer than 5 minutes... Love the sound of your voice over the phone... Accept all responsibility to take care of your mind, body and soul.. and I DO submit whole heartedly to the well being of this union.
For the day I make a mother's son, a brother's brother, a man of God... My husband..

For settling is not in my nature nor is the option to be discontent.

For this, I shall, will and am waiting.

Dearly beloved

Internal suffering be damned.
My lack of patience sends my life at full speed ahead.. I love so quickly that warning signs are simply products of the wind.
Clearly, they're all the same. For a while,  we're in sync, inseparable, and our affections reflect in our actions, but this avoidable rollercoaster only lasts for as long as the words love and care aren't challenged.
The same mistake repeated as I never require proof of these declarations, I throw my entire heart into the flames expecting an outcome different from the last.
It never changes, so now, I must change.
For what's left of the love I may be able to muster, I must protect it from another tortuous, unforgiving, uncaring, souless pretender.
I shall keep my sleeve free from my heart and determine only to protect it. No one deserves it, so it will no longer be available.

Mommy Dearest

Dear Mommy,

There are times when I wonder if eventually I will hate one of my kids the way you hate me. I keep thinking, what could possibly be the magic words that will make me stop loving a child I gave birth to.
I remember when my sons were so small that I was afraid I would break them. I remember when I said that I would never be a mom because I would be so bad at it.
I never realized how badly I wanted kids until I had my own and I got to witness their personalities just shape into these incredible independent minded people. I would never want to change the way they think. They're so original. I can't help but to be proud of how original they are. No matter how much I will try to impose my ways of thinking on them, they will make their own choices, stand by them and I will be so proud that atleast, I taught them that their opinion does matter. To me atleast.
I have constantly beat myself up about why it is that you belittle me so much. Why do you insult me daily and why do you make sure that I have no one and nothing for myself?
I once heard a father tell his daughter that she should always follow her heart.
He said, "promise me one thing. Promise me that when you pick the boy you want to be with, that he's someone who treats you well, someone who respects you, someone who makes your heart race because of who he is (not what he does). Because that's how I felt about your mother and that's how I want you to feel one day. Use your head and follow your heart."

Have you ever felt that way mom? Towards anyone? Because when you talk to me, you assure me that I'm nothing and that I deserve nothing. You have asked past boyfriends if they couldn't do better. You have assured me that I was never wanted and that I probably will never be wanted by anyone.
I've had to tell myself over and over that I am worth it and that I am someone of value and worth having.
There has NEVER been a thing I wouldn't do for anyone, and I have hurt myself more by doing for others than any other person could hurt me. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of and neglected and broken down because all my life, I have been taught that I am not worth having.
I want a husband and a good life and I want my sons to have other siblings, and even if I don't deserve that, they do.
I know that I have had quite a few rough patches where I began to spin out of control. It was those times I needed help the most. And definitely the times when I needed love the most, but instead of seeing me as a misguided child or a confused teenager, you saw me as defiant and criminal. Never have I ever intentionally hurt anyone or gone out of my way to do anything bad. I have always had more passion than I know what to do with, but somehow, that became more of a burden than a blessing. I wish I knew a way to stop being the disappointing ending to all of your stories, but while I continue to breathe I don't see a future as a viable part of your family. To you, I am a liability. To you, the times when I forget to clean something makes me the worst kind of evil. When you were sick or injured or unable to manage for yourself, I wouldn't let you go it alone. I wouldn't let an hour go by without seeing if you needed anything. When there was ice on your street and you couldt't go down, I wouldn't let you fall. Everytime you have accused me of stealing something of yours, rather than complain about being your main suspect, I was always the main part of your search party. Never have I received an apology when your "stolen" items were exactly where you forgot you left them. The good deeds are easily forgotten when you continue to look for the next bad thing. You seek so hard for the negative that you conjure it up all by yourself. Satisfaction was never your style. It's evident in your everyday life. A person with just so much STUFF is clearly a person who is never satisfied with what it is that they have so they will accumulate more STUFF! You will never be satisfied until I'm broken, but what you haven't realized is that you had broken me a very long time ago and I continue daily to pick up the pieces.
You have known me to date different men throughout the years unable to settle down with one. I am so scared that whoever I end up with will resent me for holding him down for so long that I used to allow men to do whatever they wanted with me. So, they would cheat and just continue to take from me because I never knew that I could do better.
I finally taught myself the lessons you refused to teach me growing up. Know that while you continue to use my kids as your ticket into society, they will eventually realize the hypocracy in it all. When they think of the random hugs, kisses and compliments on how great they are (aside from just being athletic and smart). When they realize that they have a mommy who wants them to chase happiness and love rather than greed and money. Maybe then what goes around will finally come right back around. Until that day, I do hope you're satisfied with the miserable, reprehensible way that you have carried on with me.
I can no longer be your punching bag. The things you think I don't remember about you, I remember. I hate that I remember, but it haunts me. Ever since I was 18, and you told me that I'd be dead by 21 (for no good reason at all), I've lived my life as if I'm soon to expire and afraid to live. I live in fear because I don't know how to be the real me. And you may not take the credit for the reasons I cry, but you play the most major part in it. I can't let it go.

Devil in me - Kate Voegele.

"far in the distance, this is the view from the other side
How did I let this pass me by?
Ya took me for granted, planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances your hope has died?
You took my trust, ground it to dust, found out I know better
Yeah, so don't break my heart. I aint never done nothing to deserve this.
Well, I'm torn apart, you've had your fun. Do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see, how I'm begging on my knees.
Dont speak, dont breathe.. you bring, out the devil in me.
Thinking it over, those were days dark as ebony night
The end of October seemed like a lifetime...
I had a suspicion, but I didn't want to believe you're a liar
You had a mission to prove me right...
You took my trust, ground it to dust, found out I know better..
Yeah.. don't break my heart, I aint never done, nothing to deserve this.
Im torn apart, you've had your fun... Do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees.. don't speak. Dont breathe. You bring.. out the devil in me.." Kate Voegele

I deserve

Flowers that weren't bought in a gas station
Daily, hourly, by the minute smiles
Laughter
Emotions
Hugs and kisses
Someone who will respect that I am someone's daughter.
Cuddles
Worry
Challenges
Conversation
Questions
Concern
Understanding
Generosity
Consistency
Someone who can save me from my thoughts
Reassurence
Arguing (not long though.. my brain nor heart can take it)
Imperfections
A chrisian (which reallyy should be at the top of my list, but I'm working as these come to my brain.)
Spontaneity
Someone who will call me on my bullshit
Caring
Love....
I deserve what love is.

Is it impossible?

Is it difficult to believe that it can strike you at anytime? That love thing? That it takes a while for the brain to catch up to the heart, but once the two are in sync, the magnificence of how smooth that overwhelming power can be just takes your breath away?
Well, I'm struck. Finally, I am in sync. I know what my heart needs. I know what my life needs to be complete. It's funny how all my life, I have struggled to find myself. To find that spunky girl that has no trouble attracting people. Only now, when I finally feel as if I deserve everything that I have been searching for or more hoping than searching that it still seems so far out of reach. Because as much as I am in tune with my emotions, my heart, my feelings... I still am not sure that the one who holds my heart has his own in tune. I think he may have given up on love. But the day we start believing that love doesn't exist, that should be the day that all worlds collide. The day that conscience has a run in with right or wrong and we all choose wrong. Dare I continue to hope that his hearts rhythm will one day match my own. Until then, I shall hide it. I will love without purpose if his own purpose is to follow his desires elsewhere. For this, I am no martyr.. maybe a coward. But nevertheless, a slave to love.