Mommy Dearest

Dear Mommy,

There are times when I wonder if eventually I will hate one of my kids the way you hate me. I keep thinking, what could possibly be the magic words that will make me stop loving a child I gave birth to.
I remember when my sons were so small that I was afraid I would break them. I remember when I said that I would never be a mom because I would be so bad at it.
I never realized how badly I wanted kids until I had my own and I got to witness their personalities just shape into these incredible independent minded people. I would never want to change the way they think. They're so original. I can't help but to be proud of how original they are. No matter how much I will try to impose my ways of thinking on them, they will make their own choices, stand by them and I will be so proud that atleast, I taught them that their opinion does matter. To me atleast.
I have constantly beat myself up about why it is that you belittle me so much. Why do you insult me daily and why do you make sure that I have no one and nothing for myself?
I once heard a father tell his daughter that she should always follow her heart.
He said, "promise me one thing. Promise me that when you pick the boy you want to be with, that he's someone who treats you well, someone who respects you, someone who makes your heart race because of who he is (not what he does). Because that's how I felt about your mother and that's how I want you to feel one day. Use your head and follow your heart."

Have you ever felt that way mom? Towards anyone? Because when you talk to me, you assure me that I'm nothing and that I deserve nothing. You have asked past boyfriends if they couldn't do better. You have assured me that I was never wanted and that I probably will never be wanted by anyone.
I've had to tell myself over and over that I am worth it and that I am someone of value and worth having.
There has NEVER been a thing I wouldn't do for anyone, and I have hurt myself more by doing for others than any other person could hurt me. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of and neglected and broken down because all my life, I have been taught that I am not worth having.
I want a husband and a good life and I want my sons to have other siblings, and even if I don't deserve that, they do.
I know that I have had quite a few rough patches where I began to spin out of control. It was those times I needed help the most. And definitely the times when I needed love the most, but instead of seeing me as a misguided child or a confused teenager, you saw me as defiant and criminal. Never have I ever intentionally hurt anyone or gone out of my way to do anything bad. I have always had more passion than I know what to do with, but somehow, that became more of a burden than a blessing. I wish I knew a way to stop being the disappointing ending to all of your stories, but while I continue to breathe I don't see a future as a viable part of your family. To you, I am a liability. To you, the times when I forget to clean something makes me the worst kind of evil. When you were sick or injured or unable to manage for yourself, I wouldn't let you go it alone. I wouldn't let an hour go by without seeing if you needed anything. When there was ice on your street and you couldt't go down, I wouldn't let you fall. Everytime you have accused me of stealing something of yours, rather than complain about being your main suspect, I was always the main part of your search party. Never have I received an apology when your "stolen" items were exactly where you forgot you left them. The good deeds are easily forgotten when you continue to look for the next bad thing. You seek so hard for the negative that you conjure it up all by yourself. Satisfaction was never your style. It's evident in your everyday life. A person with just so much STUFF is clearly a person who is never satisfied with what it is that they have so they will accumulate more STUFF! You will never be satisfied until I'm broken, but what you haven't realized is that you had broken me a very long time ago and I continue daily to pick up the pieces.
You have known me to date different men throughout the years unable to settle down with one. I am so scared that whoever I end up with will resent me for holding him down for so long that I used to allow men to do whatever they wanted with me. So, they would cheat and just continue to take from me because I never knew that I could do better.
I finally taught myself the lessons you refused to teach me growing up. Know that while you continue to use my kids as your ticket into society, they will eventually realize the hypocracy in it all. When they think of the random hugs, kisses and compliments on how great they are (aside from just being athletic and smart). When they realize that they have a mommy who wants them to chase happiness and love rather than greed and money. Maybe then what goes around will finally come right back around. Until that day, I do hope you're satisfied with the miserable, reprehensible way that you have carried on with me.
I can no longer be your punching bag. The things you think I don't remember about you, I remember. I hate that I remember, but it haunts me. Ever since I was 18, and you told me that I'd be dead by 21 (for no good reason at all), I've lived my life as if I'm soon to expire and afraid to live. I live in fear because I don't know how to be the real me. And you may not take the credit for the reasons I cry, but you play the most major part in it. I can't let it go.