So good at a broken heart

I am an expert at this part
No stranger to a broken heart
I clung to your everything you'd say
I believed when you talked about someday
Hanging by a thread full of weight
But you continue to tell me to wait
But you will come to realize it's too late
I can't take anymore
This will be my last hoorah
The last cry
Last break and the VERY LAST TIME
I have finally been defeated
But this hurt won't be repeated
No one should EVER experience this world
Too bad for our girl
Momma doesn't want to be here
I'm sorry you would have to
But I've always loved you
I've loved the idea of my daughter
Since before I ever knew her father
I've loved the man who gave me the world
But loving too much for this type of hurdle
I truly can't get over
But this is all over
I refuse to go numb, my hair falling out
I'm breaking up as the inside I shout
I have remained here for everyone else,
But life proves how much everyone loves themselves
no room in your hearts
I've been too incomplete
Not enough love for me
How can I when I have never gotten it right
I just want it to be done tonight.
I'm home alone and nothing in my way
I don't have to worry about the next day
Why have I never been good enough?
Why MUST I cry EVERY night?
Why must I hurt?
Why do I have to die a little at a time
When I know I can end this and no one will care tonight?
I think of their faces...
The children I have
I can't bare to break them the way
I'm down on the inside
If it weren't for those faces,
I would have already done it.

Aftermath

Aftermath,

Shipwrecked summer love disintegrated

more than feelings to overcome

speaking of love, my mind was penetrated

yet, I allowed you to be the one.

If only just for now while you played with my emotions,

Showing me faces hidden for shame

You've given her all your devotion.

Playing "daddy" in a household you claimed to have no ties to

But while you're playing in my panties

your little wifey's trying to find you.

Yes, I let you have my treasure, but to you it was a toy.

I thought I made it very clear that I don't fuck with little boys.

It's so crazy how you men don't like the labels that we give you.

Don't be just like Him and maybe then, they won't describe you.
To sit and hear my struggle while planning out ways to just get in.

It's not fair to in me to a life that I just don't fit in.

You claimed that you loved me like those words would blanket all my fears.

Of course you got the brush off 'cause before you, there were no tears.

you can call me what you want for trying to push the good away

I observed the man you showed me, but I guess your past is here to stay.

While I became your woman of disposition,

You already had a lady in that EXACT SAME POSITION.

Yet, I am the one you come to claiming you can't be with another

But a month without your so called "love",

I guess you must really love HER

Let me guess, her temporary neglect,

put me in my temporary place?

I told you secrets, let you inside me

Don't you see the pain in my face?

See you hurt me, but I let you because something warned me to let it be

In the end, you remain the same, but guess what, someone will always love ME

Although our time was short. You'll be the one I will remember

From t hat fast track to bullshit

You played me enough for my surrender.

I had given up before you.. Damn you for making me try

Never again will allow myself to cry for someone who chose to lie..

Loud

As the silence grows entirely too loud for me to bear and the intensity of my own emotions cripple my progression,
I can only help but wonder which direction have I chosen?
I feel the crossroads approaching every corner that I round
I feel my knees growing weaker when your voice makes a sound
I can't tell you how lost I've been in the times you're not around,
but I can tell you that my thoughts speak volumes to any suitor I have found.
They can tell my heart is taken and it's broken in many places
They can tell my body responds only to your familiar ways
It's just
that I've found you and in many ways you are not ready
Not prepared to help me live this life as yours is not yet steady.
I respect the time we have as it may never be more than moments
I regret the love I give when only I am here to hold it.
You came to me out of thin air and took my breath away
Because your love has brought me there, I can't see another way.
To show my affection to another deserving heart when there shall never be another when I won't allow a start.
So alas I shall beckon with every voice I sing
That unto the day you rescue me, I won't accept another ring.

Simply waiting

I called today.
I called a hundred times in my mind.
I thought of how to start the conversation or even just to find a way to simply make you smile, but only the intensity of my insecurity illuminated the reality that as of now, your 1 concern is your child.
I couldn't stop thinking about her laugh today or the way she called you daddy as you'd tend to her every need.
You were putty and I am so gone over your presence that just the feeling makes me nutty.
My entire day is consumed with thoughts of your day.

I've forgotten how you felt.
Even the way you'd shame the devil as you smoldered in my eyes.
You've lost your way and as spirits continue to try to break you, I only want to think of ways to make you stronger.
I love you and for as long as you are down,God has positioned me to make sure I stay arund.
I love you and for whenever you come up, you will finally see this love.
I love you for as long as you know my name, realize that we're meant to be one in the same.

How long can I be strong?

It feels so strange that the pain that usually follows a broken heart isn't what I am experiencing this time. It's a calmness that is almost unnerving. I'm not even sure there will be a storm to follow. I have buried my heart as far down as it would go. I have nothing left in me. At 1 time, I thought my well of love overflowed or was neverending, but now..... I don't think I believe any longer. I think I have lost myself and I'm not even sure if I care anymore. As determined as the world is to break us, I haven't given up yet, but this burden only grows heavier daily.
While there is no pain, I have no appetite or desire to sleep. I have given too much of myself into loving others, I forgot to love me while everyone I surround myself with seems to have a similar loss of memory. Looking back and realizing how superficial most relationships I had given my kind of love to were, it only opens my eyes to my own hypocracy... as I will do anything for anyone, and I continue to sacrifice and hurt myself yet I expect for someone to eventually take that roll in my life when I refuse to take care of me.... that's very selfish. I have secured my loneliness and solitude with the decisions I have made thus far.
Wishing someone would know me from the inside out and won't give up on me is only that.... wishing. I'm not sure how I haven't yet given up on myself...

Waiting

For the day they gather in a carefully chosen hall with tears in their eyes and smiles across their faces that finally, someone has decided he'd rather to never spend another day apart from me.
For the day the sky is lit by candles and moon and the trees surrounding my loved ones twinkle in the night sky as they illuminate the last walk from my single life into the arms of the man I shall now share it with.
For the soundtrack carrying the melody to my soul as his face brightens to see me remove my guard.
For the colors black and gold for he is turning my darkened heart to a brightness I was remiss to believe in.

For the day a man chooses to protect my heart from external and internal pain I have endured until he arrived.
For the man I would give my life for and in God's name, devote my life to.
For the day that no other forces could disrupt the magnetism of our affection. For when I see him and he me, our existence only parallels a secluded universe of only our own.
For the day I can say, "I do": miss you when you're away for longer than 5 minutes... Love the sound of your voice over the phone... Accept all responsibility to take care of your mind, body and soul.. and I DO submit whole heartedly to the well being of this union.
For the day I make a mother's son, a brother's brother, a man of God... My husband..

For settling is not in my nature nor is the option to be discontent.

For this, I shall, will and am waiting.

Dearly beloved

Internal suffering be damned.
My lack of patience sends my life at full speed ahead.. I love so quickly that warning signs are simply products of the wind.
Clearly, they're all the same. For a while,  we're in sync, inseparable, and our affections reflect in our actions, but this avoidable rollercoaster only lasts for as long as the words love and care aren't challenged.
The same mistake repeated as I never require proof of these declarations, I throw my entire heart into the flames expecting an outcome different from the last.
It never changes, so now, I must change.
For what's left of the love I may be able to muster, I must protect it from another tortuous, unforgiving, uncaring, souless pretender.
I shall keep my sleeve free from my heart and determine only to protect it. No one deserves it, so it will no longer be available.